Thursday, Jan. 16, 1964
In the cutthroat competition of today, whenever the news gets around that a new and radically different enterprise is about to be launched, excited businessmen cast suspicious and avaricious eyes on the upstart newcomer who dares to horn in on their established markets.
And Illinois Valley is no exception to this nefarious custom. Whenever I walk down the sidewalk of any town in the Valley I feel the baleful eyes of the local merchants boring into my back like laser beams. And all because of my altruistic intention to set up a new business that will be of incalculable benefit to the lucky people of the Valley.
I intended to keep the thing hush-hush till opening day, but as long as some zany has leaked the secret I might as well give a cursory outline of what’s in the wind, with the exciting details to be published in next week’s issue of The Gazette.
For several years I have been working out the details of a scheme that will doubtless cause an unprecedented furor in the ranks of the country’s food vendors. It entails the construction of an immense retail and wholesale establishment, and is something hither-to unheard of in the field of merchandising.
The new hypermarket is in process of erection and will be completed by the 12th of next month. It is to be called the Packer’s Gulch Slakery, which has nothing to do with thirst. It is a combination slaughter-house and bakery; and when our delightful new products begin flooding the market, all those old-fashioned bakers, butchers and grocers in the Valley will be tearing their hair and cursing their luck because they didn’t think of it first.
The astonishing and heretofore unsuspected fact that the different kinds of meats, vegetables and fruits can be combined to produce unbelievably nutritious food, along with irresistible appeal to the most fastidious appetite, is the greatest discovery to come out of the prestigious Packer’s Gulch food-chemistry laboratories in decades.
A long list of delicious and invaluable recipes and formulas will be presented for your delighted approval in the forthcoming special edition of the Packer’s Gulch Gazette. Meanwhile, to prevent your blowing a gasket with curiosity and impatience, I present herewith an abbreviated list of our brand new miracle products: (1) Prunison. This is a sort of super-cobbler made from equal parts of Italian prunes and back strap of venison. Soak pitted prunes overnight. Chop up venison with afew onions and sauté lightly; mix with prune and a few sprigs of parsley, wrap the whole mess in ablanket of Bisquick dough and bake in a slow oven. You can make this cobbler yourself, but why bother when you can get it from the Slakery at the unheard of price of $3.39 per pound. (2) Squm. Here is a real treat. It is a rich blend of silver-gray squirrel – greengage plums. The squirrel meat and plums are run through the food chopper and mixed with pearl barley, corn flakes and wheat germ to a thickness of putty, then baked in a 350-degree oven for 2 hours and 40 seconds. A loaf or two of Squm will assure the success of any picnic, even in a downpour. (3) Frosh. Frosh is the ultimate in puddings, and one of our tastiest products. It is made of frog’s legs and banana squash. The frog legs are fried till they stop squirming and mixed with the stewed squash. A clove of garlic and a teaspoon of oregano are added and all baked until slightly firm. Remove from oven and sprinkle with raw sugar and paprika. Return to oven and baste frequently with Southern Comfort till done. This is our most nutritious and strengthening product. No athlete in his right mind would think of going onto the field without first filling up on Frosh.
Another of our delectable aliments deserving of mention is Squeal Pie, cleverly fabricated from butternut squash and braised veal. And our premium Plunk, an ingenious concoction of broiled plantain and skunk briskets, is not to be sniffed at.
Watch The Gazette for important announcement of grand opening of fabulous Slakery – with free servings of hot Ovaltine and Hootichokes, a revolutionary new doughnut made from shredded artichokes and hootowl livers.
